i heart Joy Division, BTVS, Reading, books, zombies, dance, Shoes, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Garbage, Scott Pilgrim, and so many more things. Clowns and dolls are terrifying.
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Yeah, I’m pretty
A conversation with my mother the other day
My Mom: You and your brother were so cute when you were little
Me: Yeah, I did used to be adorable….what happened?
Oh yeah, I became breathtakingly beautiful
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Yeah, I am fabulous Biznatch, cleft lip or no cleft lip…deal with it
This make-up look was inspired by drunken 60`s housewives
Very drunk
This is from this new years eve, where no one noticed it was after midnight and instead of being excited and cheering, my friend notced the clock and said oh shit guys, it`s past midnight…happy new years? All because we were watching the wrong channel. It was not my faourite time
But I looked flawless, so that`s really all that mattered
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So
I was born with a cleft lip. This is a simple fact, and as much as I have wanted to blame someone for this, the truth is that there is no one to blame. It was just one of those things that happen, one of those things that couldn`t have been changed. My cleft lip was something that never bothered me when I was younger. I was fabulous and I knew it back then. Unfortunately this confidence was short lived, and around the time I was 19-20ish my self confidence wavered and depression set in. I couldn`t see myself as being anything but a girl with a face that could have been pretty, but was marked with an unsightly scar. I was convinced that it was all anyone else saw, I was convinced it was why I had only ever had one boyfriend in my entire life, why no boys ever seemed to like me. It was the thing that damned me to be the one to dole out advice to my more romantically inclined friends. Basically to me it was the reason I had been cast as the cliche role of the best friend archetype seen in every romantic comedy ever in the movie of my life. Life got dark for me. Depression came, as well as cutting/scratching/wrist banging/burning myself. I wanted the pain and the distraction from being me. I went from injuring myself in clearly seen places like my arms, and starting self harming areas less seen, my hips. No one knows how close I was to suicide last year. Every little thing would set me off. Make me feel bad about myself. Make me feel like I was on a downward spiral that I couldn`t get out of. Nothing would ever get better no matter how much I tried. And when I found out I had failed out of university, I hit bottom. Instead of ending it, things started to seem to go up for me. I got out of the negative mindset and things started to seem better somehow.
Though I am still no where near where my confidence used to be, I have been feeling much better about myself. Yes I am still depressed, and I go through lows, I know I am fabulous, I am awesome, I am Eileen Smith and I was born with a cleft lip.
To anyone else with a cleft lip who may read this, just remember that you are beautiful, and screw the haters. Our scars make us different, make us beautiful. :D
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hey baby can you bleed like me
I never had any issues with self-esteem when I was younger. My cleft lip was always evident, but it never really affected me as a child, or through high school. I never saw it as something that defined me in any way, it was just some thing which had somehow happened, beyond mine or anyone else’s control. Unfortunately this did not last. When I hit 20, something changed. I began to feel ugly. I felt like this slight facial abnormality was taking over everything, that it had begun to define me in every aspect. That my cleft lip was to blame for everything that’s bad in my life. I started to feel like my parents must have done something wrong, that I had done something wrong. It felt like the only reason that this could have happened to me.
I know this is not the truth. I know this somewhere inside of myself, but I can’t seem to accept it. I can’t help but think that I’m always going to feel like something went horribly wrong, and this cleft lip is my punishment. And no one should feel this way. I know it is nothing to be ashamed of, but I wish things were different all the time.
I miss the days when it never bothered me, when I never noticed it, never thought about it.
It’s no one’s fault, and it doesn’t define you. Never let the little things like this bother you. If it starts, it may be hard to stop letting it effect you negatively.
